Who in their right mind would dream of inviting a vegan friend around for a slap-up steak dinner or of coercing a pal who’s a member of the AA to come down to the pub yet, time and time again, so many of us insist on dragging our men folk with us when we go clothes shopping when everyone knows the two simply do not go together.
All over town you see them, these shopping couples, especially on a Saturday afternoon. The man trailing after his partner and wearing a I’m-so-bored-I could-die! expression on his face. The woman blazing on ahead with a forced I’ll-enjoy-myself-even-if-it-kills-me! look on hers. Determinedly, she’ll ignore the way he’s dragging his heels, always ten steps behind, as she strides purposely around the shop, pausing every now and then to pluck some item from the rails for closer examination.
‘What do you think of this?’ she’ll ask, turning around and holding up some piece of clothing.
‘Nice,’ the wise man will answer being well aware that the only acceptable answer is a positive one. Obviously she likes the particular item, she wouldn’t have picked it out from the thousands of others if she didn’t and now she simply seeks validation of her choice, not criticism.
‘Will I try it on?’ She asks next, a rhetorical question if ever there was one but even if he does answer it’s unlikely she’ll hear for already she’ll be hot-footing it into the changing room.
Outside he’ll wait, silent and still, along with others of his kind – males dotted amidst the female hustle and bustle all around, like boulders in a gushing stream.
‘Well, what do you think?’ she’ll ask as she comes back out wearing the something new. ‘Do you think it looks good on me?’
‘Yes.’
At all times the answer to this question is yes. If she didn’t think it suited her, she wouldn’t have come out wearing it but would have already changed back into her own clothes.
‘You don’t think it makes my bum look too fat? (Or legs too short, or chest too flat, or arms too flabby – insert problem area of choice).
‘No.’
The answer to this question is always, always ‘no’ – just this one word. The wise man will never, ever be tempted to elaborate for whatever he says in addition to ‘no’ will be misconstrued. By expanding, even if it is only to repeat her words and say, ‘No, I do not think your bum is too big,’ is simply asking for trouble and will invite a barrage of questions such as, ‘What? What do you mean? Are you saying my bum is too big?’
‘Do you think I should buy it?’ is her next question.
Again there is only one answer. Again it is wise to stick to a monosyllabic response, this time in the affirmative.
‘Yes.’
Even if the man is of the opinion that she already has the exact same item hanging in her wardrobe at home, it is not his place to point this out. If he dares, he’ll be told he’s wrong and that there are many differences between this piece of clothing and the one he thinks is exactly the same, it’s just that these differences are too subtle for the male brain to register.
Back into the changing room she’ll disappear once again. Five, ten minutes will pass until she remerges.
‘Come on,’ she’ll urge as she hands the item back to an assistant.
‘What? You’re not going to buy it?’ the man might feel compelled to ask.
‘I don’t know. Maybe. It’s just that it’s so expensive. I’ll think about.’
On pain of death, the wise man will not point out that she already knew how much it cost before heading into the changing rooms and he will certainly not enquire why she bothered trying it on at all.
‘Let’s go around the other shops first,’ she’ll suggest. ‘I might come back to it.’
So why do we do it? Why do women ask their men to come shopping? Why do men agree?
How do migratory birds know what route to take when flying south for the winter? What possesses lemmings to do away with themselves wholesale?
They’re all just some of the mysteries of nature.
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